I have found myself in a funk this day. "Why, envy, why?" you ask. I have been rummaging through my mind trying to find a reason why it is needed for me to label myself. But first let me give you a little backstory as to why I’m even interested in searching for this answer. My office workers were discussing (and I use the word loosely…because it was more like they were arguing, and I’ll get back to this later. ) their various religious, political, and social beliefs surrounding marriage, sexuality, and church. Mind you, I could care less that office standards state that we cannot discuss such subjects, but, nonetheless, it’s an office rule that was obviously placed aside by consenting adults in the case of this conversation. Of course, the infamous “homosexuality is wrong” comment was made and “gay marriage harms traditional family values” was not far behind. I happened to trolley along into this now hostile area and was addressed. "What do you think, envy?" they asked. I declined to comment initially because I don’t really see how the involved parties profit from these sort of discussions. And this is why.
I believe that what one believes should be evident in one’s life. I should not have to utter a word for someone to know what I’m about. It is evident in the life I lead. For instance, I am furthering my education in the university so that I might enjoy a successful career in English Arts. I want to support myself as a writer. Therefore, what I do is a manifestation of one of my beliefs: higher education is important. Secondly, I am in contact with my family, in one way or another, daily. My sistafriends may not be blood, but they are family, and I am in contact with them on the reg. Needless to say, family is important to me. Not because I say it, but because one can take a glimpse at my life and see that I value family. Lastly, I date -- and will one day sustain and enjoy a lasting partnership with! -- men. Thus, me telling you that I am other than heterosexual is redundant. One can see that by the life I lead, I agree with homosexuality. Not because it is right or wrong, but because it is my life and this is how I express myself romantically and intimately. I need not say a word. Therefore, what is the purpose of me saying anything; look at my life (and yours!) and anyone can see what we believe or are indifferent to. In my little 23 year old mind, this seems sufficient. As a human, if I believe something is right, I will adhere to it and live my life accordingly. If I believe that something is wrong, I will not participate in it or include it as part of my lifestyle. So…you see where I’m going with this? I found my co-workers conversation a bit useless, but knowing the politics of any office, I am aware that sometimes we sit around and talk about any and everything simply to pass time or to take a break from the computer screen and Microsoft Word. Whatever the case, I sat and listened to two co-workers explain why their belief system was better or more valid or more perfect or more justifiable, etc. Still disinterested, I chimed in and said that I choose not to participate in these type of discussions with co-workers because I don’t see it as beneficial for either side. In my opinion it is another form of dick swinging contests where involved parties don’t really care to hear what the other side thinks or adheres to, but rather that its dick is seen as the biggest and best. It’s an ego trip. Neither side is ever interested in seeing the other side or cultivating a compromise. Both simply want their voices to be heard and seen as “the right one.”
My co-workers saw this as a cop out. I saw it as my choice to maintain a comfortable working environment. Had this convo happened amongst my friends or family (one and the same) I would have comfortably said that I believe that homosexuality is wrong…if you’re not homosexual. And the inverse of that belief is that I believe that heterosexuality is wrong…if you’re not heterosexual. In my mind the greatest sin is to be other than you are. Be as you are with no apologies. Denying one’s true essence is blasphemy. I work to be the best me that I can be everyday. In any case, this is my belief and I feel that anyone who meets me would see that I believe this without me stating so…or at least without me having to discuss my life philosophy at length.
I left the office space where the convo was occurring because in listening to the arguments being made, no one had any intention of seeking an understanding of the others belief system, they just wanted their voices to bounce off the walls and repeat their perspectives to them. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a very sociable person; however, I am not one to talk simply to talk. If I ask a question, I want an answer. If I haven’t asked, I don’t want to know, or could care less to know. And if someone asks me a question, I answer the question. If they don’t ask the question, I don’t offer the answer. Life seems simple to me in this respect. For instance, when people ask me if I am gay, I say yes. Not because I am walking in any parades anytime soon, or because I feel that it is my duty to shout it from the rooftops; but, because I honor a person’s inquiry about anything in my life. I am an open person in regards to my life. When it comes to my family, I’m a bit guarded, because I choose not to speak for them or to paint too much of a definite picture of them. My loved ones are more complex and dynamic than my blurbs about them. On the other hand, if someone asks who I’m dating or who do I sleep with, thinking that they will elicit some confirmation of my romantic/sexual preference. I see it as “you get what you ask for.” If you ask me who I am dating, I’ll tell you that I’m not dating anyone. I am simply chilling with a couple of guys. But you won’t get that answer, if you don’t ask. If you ask me if I date men or women, I’ll tell you men. Ask and you shall receive. Nuff said.
So,back to my original question: why do I need labels if I am what I am through the exercising of my will?
[drumroll please]
BECAUSE THE CIRCLES ON THE BUBBLE SHEETS THAT WE FILL OUT FOR LOANS, SCHOLARSHIPS, BALLOTS, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS REMOTELY POLITICAL REQUIRES THAT WE STRIP OURSELVES DOWN TO A, B, C, or D. Therefore, I see my labels as more of a socio-political convenience. Labels place me in the vicinity of my interests, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses, etc. All in all, I think that I am no more black than gay than male than student than writer than that flyy individual that this world is always at pleasure to receive.
I am the envy of the world…and even that moniker is lackluster when it comes to expressing my truth.
On a less theoretical tip, I decorated my room and I am doing a “Black Like Me” theme where black men of the past are on one wall, black men of the present on one, and I have a full length mirror on the last wall – because I am the black man of the future. BET THAT! And, for you math whizzes, I know I only mentioned three walls, but my desk is on my fourth wall. I am so excited about it! It’s political, artistic, fabo, and historical all at once.
Happy hunting, booshkabibbles!
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